What about Karen?
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: An alternate ending to "Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost". Enjoy


It was another grand day in Bikini Bottom and SpongeBob was busy playing a children's card game with his best buddie Patrick.

"Hold on, Pat!" cried SpongeBob as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a false moustache. "This hot dud is on its way to giving me dat street cred!"

"Bumpin' dat steez up a peg, eh homes?" said Patrick. He swung his prized jellyfishing net and caught a snowflake. He took it out and marveled at the spledour.

"That's pretty neato, Patrick. But can you do this?" SpongeBob quickly flung his two front teeth into his eyes and made his tonsils cry out in agony. He looked like the most delicious bowl of assorted cashews.

Patrick started to cry as his friend grew more and more beautiful by the second. "SpongeBob, is it right or wrong to exceed our limits?"

SpongeBob ran his fingers through his silky mane. "Patrick… limits were meant to be broken…"

Patrick stood up and threw an ink cartridge at the kitchen drawers. A plate fell and landed upon Gary's shell.

"Meow," meowed the meowing snail.

"Gary speaks…" said SpongeBob. He took a knee and wiped the sweat from his brow using his lucky handkerchief.

"Good heavens, SpongeBob!" cried Patrick. "Does not that handkerchief belong to your boss Mr. Krabs?"

SpongeBob sneered and licked his lips. He then ran up to Patrick faster than a steamed ham sprinkled with sodium chloride and kicked Patrick in the back of the neck.

"Why?"

"I did it for us, Pat…"

"You did what? You banished all of our future hopes and dreams due to some government anomaly? I say!" Patrick fell to the ground defeated. His toes exuded a stench that sang the tunes of Max and Ruby.

"I'm sorry, my friend…" SpongeBob started to weep, but ceased emoting to turn to the dangerous figure at the door. "Hiya, Squidward…"

Squidward licked his special Lollipop that he got for being a swell lad at the dentist. He stuck the ends of a jump rope in each ear and paced over to the fallen starfish. "Well, well, well…" the green octopus snidely remarked. "Looks like there's no hat for Pat…"

"You leave his glory out of this!" SpongeBob hopped atop a surfboard and delivered a raging fist of fury into the bulbous nose of his adversary.

Squidward felt the summoning of green fluid trail from his nasal passages and cling tightly to SpongeBob's wrist. "I know you are distressed, but I am your guide and I am most impressed by your strength."

"F is for 'friends'…"

"What friends?"

"Who do stuff… TOGETHER!" SpongeBob roared at the top of his lungs and slammed another fist into Squidward's cranium, shattering the cephalopod's skull to fragments.

Squidward laughed off the pain and pulled out his twin beam katana. "So the party's just getting' started?"

SpongeBob put on his amazing cape and flew toward Squidward. He made sure to do many more poundings to Squidward. "It is time you die!" cried SpongeBob.

"The time is nigh! I hold the truth to your past, SquarePants!"

 _Barnacles! He's right! If I back down now, I'll never bring piece back to the village!_ SpongeBob backed down and picked up a monkey wrench. "What is your next request, master?"

"I, the restless ghost of Squidward Tentacles, require another favour from you, SpongeBob."

"I'll do anything… SpongeBob looked over at his wall of photographs. Bubble Buddie on one and he looked so hot in that Hawaiian shirt.

"Krabs needs to get his teeth flossed. I need you to kill all of his teeth or else…" Squidward flashed a needle and SpongeBob wept bitterly.

SpongeBob used his Instant Spongemission to teleport to Mr. Krabs's anchor home. Mr. Krabs was taking a shower in his new cargo shorts when he heard SpongeBob knock on the door.

"Ahoy, SpongeBob! What can I do for ye, lad?" said the mid-life crustacean.

"Cut the gab, Krabs, and dig this…" SpongeBob pulled his Goofy Goober coupon out of his back pocket and slashed Mr. Krabs's nose off. "You can't smell, so you won't have to worry about what happens next…" SpongeBob then took off his shoes and socks. He placed his big toes and index toes around Mr. Krabs's teeth and started pulling each one out like the tusk wizard from Camp Lazlo.

"Golly, boy!" yipped Mr. Krabs. "At least pay me if yer gonna take me teeth!"

"Oh no… I think that'd be a bit too merciful…" SpongeBob then pulled out a pistol and shot Mr. Krabs's fabulous cargo shorts dead. Mr. Krabs wept for his fallen cargo shorts and fired SpongeBob from the Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob didn't care anymore. He took a look at Mr. Krabs's toilet and then stuck his tongue in it. "Hmm… fresh…" SpongeBob then hit the flusher and watched all his woes disappear. He made a vow to his last box of chicken nuggets that day.

"What's going on here, Eugene?" asked Plankton as he walked into the bathroom carrying a magazine about dat boi.

"Plankton! Help me!" cried Mr. Krabs as his cargo shorts breathed its last. He collapsed under the intense emotions.

"Eugene! My glory! What has happened?" Plankton looked over at SpongeBob and studied the state of his tongue. "SpongeBob? What are you doing in Krabs's bathroom?"

"I've come to claim my birthright…" SpongeBob said as he sniffed a box of chumbalaya.

"SquarePants, have you gone insane?" Plankton started to get worried, but he was also pretty angry about how down in the dumps Mr. Krabs was. "I think you deserve my foot right in that ugly square tuchus of yours!"

"Go ahead and do it, Plankton. I don't care. I deserve all this pain… I promised them all…"

Plankton was now concerned about the former frycook's mental state. "SpongeBob, are you all right? You seem severely unwell."

"I can't speak of it…"

"Speak of it with me," Plankton placed a stubby hand on SpongeBob's chin and brought his solemn gaze to his single red eye. "You can tell me anything, you know…"

SpongeBob pulled away and shot several rounds at the mirror. "I can't talk now! He's always watching!"

"Just let me lend a loving hand…"

"You can never love me! I'm a tool of war! I deserve no such compassion!"

"SpongeBob, you have and always will be fully deserving of any compassion I can extend from my cold, twisted heart."

"I can't accept those kinds of feelings, Plankton. I'm a rotten and despicable bottomfeeder!"

"I reject your refusal!"

"What about Karen?"

"WHAT ABOUT KAREN!?" Plankton growled and swallowed a can of pepto bismol. He belched loudly and returned to comforting SpongeBob. "I only have an eye… for you…"

SpongeBob dropped his pistol to the ground and collapsed into Plankton's arms. He wailed louder than he had ever once before, coating the microorganism in his tears. One thing was definitely for sure, that's all he ever really needed for someone to say to him.

FIN


End file.
